Breaking Up

I just broke up with someone I'm not even in a relationship with. How does this hurt so much when I was never even with him? Honestly, I think that's the reason it hurts; we never made it. He never had the title of being my boyfriend, and I never got to show him off or confidently call him mine. The worst part is that he probably never wanted to do any of that stuff anyway, or never showed it, at least, and therefore, I can no longer be with him. 

The question I'm asking myself is, how the hell did I let myself give someone what someone receives in a relationship without even being with him? Was this my fault? Did I give him too much without him being my boyfriend, so he thought he found the jackpot? I definitely think so.

The worst part about breaking up is missing them and forgetting why you ended it. Actually, the worst part is when they are still trying to contact you and make the problems seem so minor and fixable. But it's all a trap (which I have fell for many, many, MANY times). One year's worth of time, to be exact. So I will not let myself fall for it again. I can't keep putting effort into a man too blinded by his ego to see it.

You may be wondering what other reasons led me to break up with him, and honey, let me tell you.

First of all, even though we weren't together, we still had the exclusive title. Does that make sense? No. Did I still go through with it anyway? Yes. Anyway, even though we had this agreement with each other, he still cheated on me, and when I say cheated, I mean CHEATED. He brought a girl that we BOTH went to high school with to Santa Monica, San Clemente, and Downtown Disney during his spring break, seven months into our talking stage. They also hooked up multiple times. Keep in mind that while he was doing this, he had said he needed space for "something he was going through." The audacity to do that was crazy because I had flown out multiple times to see him from different locations, and he had only taken me out on one date, yet he did so much for her. After that, we were very on and off; I'm talking like every other two weeks on and off just because I couldn't decide whether I could forgive him or not. Eventually, I cut him off by July/August. I was able to keep up with no contact for a month. Then, in September, when he contacted me, I caved.

So for the past three months, we've been trying to restore this relationship or whatever the fuck it was. At the end of the day, I couldn't get over it. He hurt me so much that I still couldn't trust him. I would stay up to answer his calls at 1 am after he went out with his friends to hear reassurance. We never had conversations that he would admit he avoided. I tried to reassure him to trust me when it should have been vice versa. Never would he say thank you for anything I did for us; I just felt unappreciated and guilty for wanting him to be thankful that I gave him another chance. 

He put in more effort this time, but it wasn't enough. I want to wait. Waiting still gives me hope because deep down, I know that once I let go, that will be the end, but it's been too long.

It's also so difficult to get that girl he cheated on me with out of my head. What was it about her that he gave so much to? And if he gave her more, why does he claim it's me he wants? Comparison is the thief of joy, and I'm done stealing it from myself; the past will always be in my head, but the future is in my hands, and I know if I stay, I will resent the person who chose this path for me, and I would hate to resent myself.