Breaking Up

I just broke up with someone I'm not even in a relationship with. How does this hurt so much when I was never even with him? Honestly, I think that's the reason it hurts; we never made it. He never had the title of being my boyfriend, and I never got to show him off or confidently call him mine. The worst part is that he probably never wanted to do any of that stuff anyway, or never showed it, at least, and therefore, I can no longer be with him. 

The question I'm asking myself is, how the hell did I let myself give someone what someone receives in a relationship without even being with him? Was this my fault? Did I give him too much without him being my boyfriend, so he thought he found the jackpot? I definitely think so.

The worst part about breaking up is missing them and forgetting why you ended it. Actually, the worst part is when they are still trying to contact you and make the problems seem so minor and fixable. But it's all a trap (which I have fell for many, many, MANY times). One year's worth of time, to be exact. So I will not let myself fall for it again. I can't keep putting effort into a man too blinded by his ego to see it.

You may be wondering what other reasons led me to break up with him, and honey, let me tell you.

First of all, even though we weren't together, we still had the exclusive title. Does that make sense? No. Did I still go through with it anyway? Yes. Anyway, even though we had this agreement with each other, he still cheated on me, and when I say cheated, I mean CHEATED. He brought a girl that we BOTH went to high school with to Santa Monica, San Clemente, and Downtown Disney during his spring break, seven months into our talking stage. They also hooked up multiple times. Keep in mind that while he was doing this, he had said he needed space for "something he was going through." The audacity to do that was crazy because I had flown out multiple times to see him from different locations, and he had only taken me out on one date, yet he did so much for her. After that, we were very on and off; I'm talking like every other two weeks on and off just because I couldn't decide whether I could forgive him or not. Eventually, I cut him off by July/August. I was able to keep up with no contact for a month. Then, in September, when he contacted me, I caved.

So for the past three months, we've been trying to restore this relationship or whatever the fuck it was. At the end of the day, I couldn't get over it. He hurt me so much that I still couldn't trust him. I would stay up to answer his calls at 1 am after he went out with his friends to hear reassurance. We never had conversations that he would admit he avoided. I tried to reassure him to trust me when it should have been vice versa. Never would he say thank you for anything I did for us; I just felt unappreciated and guilty for wanting him to be thankful that I gave him another chance. 

He put in more effort this time, but it wasn't enough. I want to wait. Waiting still gives me hope because deep down, I know that once I let go, that will be the end, but it's been too long.

It's also so difficult to get that girl he cheated on me with out of my head. What was it about her that he gave so much to? And if he gave her more, why does he claim it's me he wants? Comparison is the thief of joy, and I'm done stealing it from myself; the past will always be in my head, but the future is in my hands, and I know if I stay, I will resent the person who chose this path for me, and I would hate to resent myself.

Potential

Falling for someone or something's potential is almost like a trap we voluntarily put ourselves in and is probably one of the most blinding ways we commit self-sabotage. Granted here I am committing this awful crime we humans do to ourselves fully aware of it all, and yet somehow instead of getting myself out of it, I’d rather just keep pleading guilty.

This week I was in Vancouver for work. I went to the famous suspension bridge and it was all decked out in Christmas lights, which was just stunning. But the whole time I was there all I could think about was how great it would be if I could be there with Colorado man. For those who don't know Colorado Man is the man I'm currently in long-distance situationship with.

Although it was a sweet idea, it made me realize that the best thoughts I have of him in my head are the “what if” or the “I can't wait” thoughts. To further explain, the idea of what we could be or what I believe we possibly would be when I’m back home with him or when we are finally together, are better thoughts than the memories of when we've actually been together. The memories I want to make with him are better than the ones I do have with him, so do I keep hope in us that they will actually happen? Or do I just move on?

I think it can be harder to move on from someone that you wanted to work with so badly than someone who you did work out with. I mean you have no memories to look back on and be grateful for just the memories you wanted to make and now have just given up on which can be more heartbreaking, than realizing it's not working with someone who has committed to you.

The same goes for giving up on dreams, which I would never advise to anyone. It’s just sad that we can fall in love an idea in our heard that we put so much effort into and then what? It all goes to waste? That's why I think it’s a similar but different type of heart break. I mean look at me with this blog, I’ve fallen in love with the idea that lots of people would read and relate to it, how heartbreaking would it be for me to stop writing just because I've lost hope, but  who knows if I just would've waited one more week some influencer could have read it and made it popular. And there it is the potential we're falling for.

As a strong dream believer, I obviously have a dream relationship, a dream wedding, and a dream husband, but maybe all of this is being wished upon the wrong man.

When do we say the potential is just potential? To not depend on it, and see the situation for the situation itself only. Because when we stop leaning on that made-up idea in our idea it probably will just all crumble. So I guess it's fear that's holding us all back.

I mean it’s definitely holding me back I'm driving six hours to go see a man who isn’t even my boyfriend after talking with him for over a year. Wish me luck.

Voodoo Doll

I honestly feel like someone has a voodoo doll of me and is doing fuck all with it. Okay, that might be a little exaggerative, but I have genuinely been having a series of bad events happening to me that have made me question if I have some bad juju or something. Let me explain.

I'll start off by giving you a little context. I've been talking to this guy I went to highschool with for a YEAR. No, I'm not his girlfriend, and yes, I know it's crazy, but I can unpack that in some other blog. It works, though, because we're both from the same place, but I left for my job, and he left for Colorado for school. That works out perfectly, though, because we return home around the same time and see each other. Like I said, I'll unpack Colorado Man another day. 

Now that you know a little about this guy I just got sent a "hey girly" text about this man. Now, any girl who has experienced this could explain to you that it is the most heart-dropping text someone receives because it is usually followed up by a god-awful description about how your man has tried to get at this girl or even worse, actually hooked up with her, or EVEN WORSE did something romantic that he's never done with you. But honestly, I have gone through HELL AND BACK with this man involved with another woman, but again, we were not together, so it all got resolved.

I KNOW I sound crazy and like I need to pick up my crown, but I promise you it will all make sense in a different blog. So basically, when I saw this text from a girl saying he liked her old story, it didnt even phase me because, before that, I got a call from his ex-girlfriend, whom he broke up with over a year ago, calling me from no caller ID after she saw that he commented on my TikTok. So, crazy events that involve him roll off the shoulder. 

Well, I confronted him about it, and he explained that his friend thought she was cute and liked it on his phone, and he had disliked it (which she did mention). I believed him because when he told me the story, he sounded scared, and when he was lying, he sounded more confident. He's such a good liar that his lies sound more accurate than the truth. 

At first, I was pissed, but I had already bought plane tickets to California to go to Disneyland with him and our friends two days after that and just decided to believe him and go. Not really for him, but for me. You see, my workplace isn't always great, which sucks cause its been my dream job for all my life, and I do love it and all its opportunities, but a lot of the time, I just need a break because, as I said, someone plays with that fucking voodoo doll.

Two days later, I went to the airport, and someone BOUGHT my seat. Like someone paid LOTS of money to kick someone off the plane, and because I didn’t protect my flight and bought the ticket at the last minute, that lucky person happened to be me. 

So, a "hey girly text" and a canceled Disney trip occurred in three days. This is crazy because after he gets "caught" for liking someone else's story, he gets to go to  Disney without me. The worst part is we always wanted to go together, and we haven’t done much together other than me visiting him and, you know, hanging out. I don't know if I should take it as a sign from the universe that when your situationship isn't at its happiest place, you shouldn't go to the happiest place in the world with them. I mean, what bad luck if someone BUYS me off my plane. But it happened anyway.

There may be a balance that the universe has to maintain. Which is odd because I used to think unfortunate events happen to teach you how to deal with something in the future, but maybe they tell you you just did something wrong in the past. I don't know, but I need the unfortunate events to stop because if it starts to get more out of hand, I might have to go get a cleanse from a witch or something. Who knows, maybe my next blog might be about me getting into witchcraft.